Being at peace, Building habits & The power of writing
Bad boy - Billie Eilish
Right. This week a little story in English. Because I have friends asking about this and why the hell also not. Fun. Let's see if I am able to write a little in the beloved second language I speak. The thing I am asking myself is: how to show my sarcasm? How to express myself fully? But then again, that shouldn't be too complicated. I absolutely love the English language. Why? Well, honestly I have no clue. I just know that from my teenage years on I talked to myself while biking through weather and wind (this is a Dutch expression, it means as much as that I always had to cycle to my high school and I sometimes was dying on my bike in rainy, stormy or freezing fucking cold weather. I had to go by bike. Weather or no weather. Another Dutch expression. In any weather condition it was me on the bike. - Or next to that bike, walking and pushing it against the wind). I had to bike about 40 minutes, and since I sometimes think about life (understatement), I was having whole conversations with myself. Discussing situations that happened that day, boys, existential thoughts, myself. Discussing life. In English. Out loud. Maybe that is a little weird, but I like weird. And for me it was normal, it was a way to reflect, to rethink and learn from what had happened earlier that day or last week.
Nowadays I realize during primary school already I felt a little different. Okay first, yes I was a Ginger back then too and very insecure and slightly bullied about my hair or nose or whatever. In my mind it made a big impression: I was ugly. As simple as that. But now I am quite happy with myself and becoming more happy and accepting towards myself every day, oh and I eat plenty of carrots.
But I felt also different because the things I was interested in. Spirituality, personal growth, interpersonal relationships, the behavior of people. Stuff like this. So going to high school when I didn't really get a reply to this my interested shifted into going out, drinking, boys. Well, okay. I have to admit: love and relationships always had my interest the most. Why do people behave the way they do? And all these questions in my head started to come out in English and sometimes with some funny accents, because why not and this boring road I had to cycle gave me room to elaborate my thouhts. I was maybe thirteen, fourteen years old. And who knows, maybe I grew up in Great-Brittain in a previous life.
The world is facing very intens, uncertain and tragic times at this moment. Who would ever thought whole country's shut down and that there will be something as a complete lock-down? In the country I live, I think still I am very fortunate and do realize this. Living in a third world country is really different and so much harder. Seeing a video of people dying in the streets of Ecuador is crazy. There are thousands of people not being able to even get the right help. People are burning dead bodies in the streets, what if you had to do this with your brother, sister or one of your parents? It's so painful and puts things in perspective. Every day I realize more and more how grateful we should an can be for everything we have. But of course things are relative and also in our country the situation is so poignant. I need to be a little more conscious about it, because it's not close to me, I still can enjoy the sun in the garden, have a drink if I want and go for a walk. And anxiety is not a thing that's helpful and I am privileged to choose not to be anxious and I am also really not, I feel good. But realizing people are in pain and agony is very important. We are all human.
Also growing up I didn't realize how lucky I was and in what a safe environment I was living. Spring is here now and I know I loved this as kid (and I still do), climbing into trees, building cabins to play in or doing 'paaltjes voetbal'. And we had all this space. I am reading this book which makes me do exercises to stimulate my creativity, quite often it asks me to think back to my childhood. "What did u I liked growing up, how did your room looked back then? What are five things you loved to eat as a child? Unfortunately my memory doesn't give me a lot of acces into these memories. But the things I do remember are great. I was so happy with the simplest things, like when with beautiful weather we would eat outside in the garden. I loved this, it was a really special thing when it happened. Or a while ago I found a little cup, suitable for one little tablespoon of whipped cream. Only with very special occasions I had it with my hot chocolate or apple pie. Can you imagine how much I enjoyed this?
Being inside all the time makes me going even more inside my own mind, thoughts and ideas. I am writing a lot for myself, trying to figure out why I keep going on with bad habits, destructive behavior. Writing down reasons what my goal is with it, what the point is in continuing this behavior, I couldn't really answer this to be honest. Of course not. But this I wouldn't have understand without writing it down. Writing without any expectations of writing something good or achieving something, no just writing for the process. Whatever comes up, it can help you becoming more silent, resilient and conscious about what is actually going on in your head. Every morning I write three pages, as the book tells you, or actually: the writer Julia Cameron asks you. I also used YouTube in a productive, educational way for once (instead of vlogs or funny videos for hours) to get to know more about building healthy habits. Like waking up early, really also accomplishing all my bullet points on my to do list that day, creating a healthy sleeping pattern. Wow. YouTube can teach me anything. And so it does. I listen, write important stuff down and learn. It's fun and I have all the time for it. But even when you've not. Just asking yourself questions will start a process of more awareness about your own behavior, the things you dislike within your partner or why you never seem to meet the 'perfect one'. Some introspection give you a lot of insight, but I realized it's so important to get more knowledge and talk about it with friends that stimulate you to grow. And what is there to loose. Isn't it fun to get to know yourself a little better? Being able to listen better to your parents, or finding out what thing you really liked as a child and you can do it again the this week. Just for fun. Like rollerskating, fishing, painting, making your own dance, knitting.
The world is facing very intens, uncertain and tragic times at this moment. Who would ever thought whole country's shut down and that there will be something as a complete lock-down? In the country I live, I think still I am very fortunate and do realize this. Living in a third world country is really different and so much harder. Seeing a video of people dying in the streets of Ecuador is crazy. There are thousands of people not being able to even get the right help. People are burning dead bodies in the streets, what if you had to do this with your brother, sister or one of your parents? It's so painful and puts things in perspective. Every day I realize more and more how grateful we should an can be for everything we have. But of course things are relative and also in our country the situation is so poignant. I need to be a little more conscious about it, because it's not close to me, I still can enjoy the sun in the garden, have a drink if I want and go for a walk. And anxiety is not a thing that's helpful and I am privileged to choose not to be anxious and I am also really not, I feel good. But realizing people are in pain and agony is very important. We are all human.
Also growing up I didn't realize how lucky I was and in what a safe environment I was living. Spring is here now and I know I loved this as kid (and I still do), climbing into trees, building cabins to play in or doing 'paaltjes voetbal'. And we had all this space. I am reading this book which makes me do exercises to stimulate my creativity, quite often it asks me to think back to my childhood. "What did u I liked growing up, how did your room looked back then? What are five things you loved to eat as a child? Unfortunately my memory doesn't give me a lot of acces into these memories. But the things I do remember are great. I was so happy with the simplest things, like when with beautiful weather we would eat outside in the garden. I loved this, it was a really special thing when it happened. Or a while ago I found a little cup, suitable for one little tablespoon of whipped cream. Only with very special occasions I had it with my hot chocolate or apple pie. Can you imagine how much I enjoyed this?
Being inside all the time makes me going even more inside my own mind, thoughts and ideas. I am writing a lot for myself, trying to figure out why I keep going on with bad habits, destructive behavior. Writing down reasons what my goal is with it, what the point is in continuing this behavior, I couldn't really answer this to be honest. Of course not. But this I wouldn't have understand without writing it down. Writing without any expectations of writing something good or achieving something, no just writing for the process. Whatever comes up, it can help you becoming more silent, resilient and conscious about what is actually going on in your head. Every morning I write three pages, as the book tells you, or actually: the writer Julia Cameron asks you. I also used YouTube in a productive, educational way for once (instead of vlogs or funny videos for hours) to get to know more about building healthy habits. Like waking up early, really also accomplishing all my bullet points on my to do list that day, creating a healthy sleeping pattern. Wow. YouTube can teach me anything. And so it does. I listen, write important stuff down and learn. It's fun and I have all the time for it. But even when you've not. Just asking yourself questions will start a process of more awareness about your own behavior, the things you dislike within your partner or why you never seem to meet the 'perfect one'. Some introspection give you a lot of insight, but I realized it's so important to get more knowledge and talk about it with friends that stimulate you to grow. And what is there to loose. Isn't it fun to get to know yourself a little better? Being able to listen better to your parents, or finding out what thing you really liked as a child and you can do it again the this week. Just for fun. Like rollerskating, fishing, painting, making your own dance, knitting.
When I was sitting at the kitchen table last week I asked myself the question: "What is peace actually?" (as in being at peace, tranquility). I started thinking. For me I refer to this as a quiet, peaceful environment. Right. So no people or a lot of noises. Just no distractions really. I was sitting there alone, my mum just went outside. I sighed. Finally the peace I was looking for so desperately. But then I thought of it a little more. There is more to peace then just that. What about inner peace? Sometimes the environment is quiet, I had that on last Sunday, but still I did not feel at peace at all. I couldn't blame the surroundings, that was clear now. So the level of peacefulness (and opposite of this: distress) inside is maybe even more important! Hmm. With a peaceful environment you still might not feel relaxed because of internal distress. But when you experience this inner peace the surroundings will matter less maybe. What is this inner peace? I think it is being centered and grounded, being conscious about your state of mind (and body!) and being okay with it, sometimes happy, sometimes less. So... Maybe when I feel I need this peace, and shutting the outside world out, it is actually so that I need to become more at peace from the inside. Oh. Aha. This made a lot of sense. But it can be a confrontation as well. Blaming someone else for causing you distress or blaming the loud noises from traffic, is easier than turning to yourself and asking the honest question: How do I feel today? Then you have to take your responsibility and checking in with your body, your feelings and thoughts. A conversation with yourself, sounds funny maybe, but it's so necessary.
Well, how do you feel today?
Love,
Ginger.
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